Depending upon where you are in your relationship with your significant other, this may sound: a. depressing, b. true, c. somehow comforting or d. all of the above. Yet this view is held and used to great advantage by well-respected licensed psychologist and author Daniel Wile, PhD, who has been doingcouple therapy for 30 years.
There is freedom in recognizing that in our most intimate relationships, particular problems will arise and may persist for years or forever based upon each couple’s unique dynamic. If we were to swap out our partner (for a new one!) we would actually be exchanging our current bag of problems for a new one–in which we would still be a factor, for better or worse. But, if we were instead to change our relationship to our partner, we would change the nature of the problems themselves, sometimes for always, and always for the better. This is how we become masters of the practice of intimate relationships.
Consider today: How can I change the way I deal with a problem in my marriage? You need not focus on changing yourself or your partner, but rather on the way you perceive and react to each other.
A quick example: A wife cannot stand when her husband is late to meet her, as she feels he is taking her for granted–this is an area of vulnerability for her.
Her husband cannot stand when she nags him about timeliness, as he feels she is trying to control him, which is an area of vulnerability for him.
The husband may not change his behavior, but the wife can come to understand that his tardiness is a characteristic and not a reaction to her.
The husband may not be able to change his wife’s nagging, but he can come to understand that her nagging is a characteristic–a reaction to fear–and not an effort to control him.
Each couple has their own vulnerabilities and related dynamics. Consider becoming an expert on yours.