Criticism: “You’re such a slob! If you cared about me you’d pick up your own dirty clothes rather than sitting around waiting for me to do it.”
Complaint: “Honey, I hate picking your dirty clothes up off the floor.” [The ‘honey’ part is optional but it probably helps to set the right tone.]
Having a good relationship doesn’t mean butterflies and rainbows. Each of us has our faults and we don’t always deal with ours or our partner’s shortcomings productively. One way to begin the shift from destruction to production in your relationship is to shift from criticism to complaining. Criticism includes character attacks and insults. Complaining involves your expression of unhappiness with a circumstance or problem and includes willingness to find a solution.
Just for today try to avoid criticizing your significant other. If you want an easy way to differentiate between a complaint and a criticism, consider this: You can be pretty sure you’ve just criticized your partner if your statement to him/her includes something like, “What’s wrong with you?!” Don’t state a problem as a defect in your partner.
Remember, marriage is a practice—as in, “the practice of marriage”—it’s not perfection. Small steps are okay. If something’s bothering you today, try to complain constructively rather than criticize, and for extra credit go a step further: Try to balance the one negative thing out with five positive statements about your partner. (The healthy ratio of compliment to complaint is 5:1 per the research of John Gottman, PhD.)
John Gottman’s research in marriages is remarkable in the length of time he and his research team followed couples. Their research points to four key markers of a relationship in trouble. He calls them ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ although I encourage you to see them as gifts—if you are able to recognize that you are experiencing one of these, congratulations, you have the chance to change it and the course of your relationship. Remember, a critical first step is to recognize these markers in yourself—the antidote for each is immediately productive and reinforces itself. All four are listed below, as well as the antidote for each:
All four are listed below, as well as the antidote for each:
Criticism: Complain without blame
Defensiveness: Take responsibility
Contempt: Build culture of appreciation
Stonewalling: Do physiological self-soothing