Repair.
Having discussed John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in previous posts, I will conclude this series with Gottman’s recommendation for relationship repair. You can practice repair during an argument that is escalating; use it to exit the argument; or use it after, when time has given you and your partner the chance for a bit of perspective. The goal of repair is to make your next conversation in this problem area—or another one—more productive and loving.
Examples of repair attempts:
- “We are getting really ramped up about this!”
- “Are we listening to each other here?”
- “Maybe we should take a break for a few minutes.”
- “I’m sorry, I just realized I wasn’t even listening to you because I was so busy preparing my rebuttle.”
- “I’m sorry, I wish I hadn’t said that.”
What is critical here: the repair attempt does not need to be eloquent—just earnest. The effectiveness of a repair attempt is also directly correlated with how much RECENT emotional, positive energy you have ‘in the bank’ with your partner. If you have been kind, understanding, if you have been there for your partner when needed, respectful—in short, a good friend—your chances of a repair attempt being successful are greater.
While discussing problems, make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other as negative ones, e.g., if discussing financial difficulties, bring up the strength of your fun together, previous struggles you have gotten through together, the joy and benefit of a recent vacation. Allow a rich climate of positivity to enter your relationship. As Gottman would say, “Make regular deposits to your emotional bank accounts!”
John Gottman’s research in marriages is remarkable in the length of time he and his research team followed couples. Their research points to four key markers of a relationship in trouble. He calls them ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ although I encourage you to see them as gifts—if you are able to recognize that you are experiencing one of these, congratulations, you have the chance to change it and the course of your relationship. Remember, a critical first step is to recognize these markers in yourself—the antidote for each is immediately productive and reinforces itself.
All four are listed below, as well as the antidote for each:
Criticism: Complain without blame
Defensiveness: Take responsibility
Contempt: Build culture of appreciation
Stonewalling: Do physiological self-soothing