Defensiveness is any way of warding off a perceived attack. Defensiveness involves counter attacks and whining (positioning oneself as an innocent victim). An at-risk (or simply uninformed) couple may respond to an attack with a counter-attack, e.g., “Well, I may have failed to pick up the kids on time but you should have asked if I was able to do it rather than telling me what do like you always do!”
The masters at marriage tend not to counter-attack or whine; they tend to do the opposite. Their response to a criticism tends more toward something like, “Interesting. Tell me more about what you see as our problem and how I may be contributing to it.”
Remember, marriage is a practice; it is not perfection and doesn’t lead to perfection—just to joy in practicing. Enjoy your journey today.
John Gottman’s research in marriages is remarkable in the length of time he and his research team followed couples. Their research points to four key markers of a relationship in trouble. He calls them ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ although I encourage you to see them as gifts—if you are able to recognize that you are experiencing one of these, congratulations, you have the chance to change it and the course of your relationship. Remember, a critical first step is to recognize these markers in yourself—the antidote for each is immediately productive and reinforces itself. All four are listed below, as well as the antidote for each:
All four are listed below, as well as the antidote for each:
Criticism: Complain without blame
Defensiveness: Take responsibility
Contempt: Build culture of appreciation
Stonewalling: Do physiological self-soothing