The love you are seeking may be right there in front of you. Well-known marriage counselor Gary Chapman, PhD, has enriched the area of relationship understanding through his best-selling book, The 5 Love Languages (copyright 1992). You may have read it and benefited from the understanding that each of us has a primary love language that we use to express love. The five languages are: 1. Words of affirmation, e.g., “You look nice today.” 2. Quality time, e.g, uninterrupted discussion. 3. Receiving gifts, e.g., bouquet of your favorite flower. 4. Acts of service, e.g., unloading dishwasher. 5. Physical touch, e.g., hug, pat, intimacy.
You can easily learn more about each “language” via a quick online search. What I want to ask you to consider today is applying the knowledge via a small and important step. The idea behind the love languages is that couples will learn their partner’s primary love language and express love in that language, e.g., if my partner experiences a sense of love from me via acts of service vs receiving gifts, I might choose to help with the dishes rather than bring home a bouquet of flowers. This may simply be too much to ask for a couple experiencing deep strife, frustration, contempt, or hopelessness. You or your partner may feel like they have nothing more to give—certainly not enough left in the heart tank to learn and apply another language!
To that end, I suggest the following to you today: Today, consider this: Your partner may well be trying to tell you he loves you through an act of service—say, cooking dinner for you. This may not be your love language but it is his. Understand that, and accept his love as he expresses it. Don’t ask him to change the way he expresses his love for you, and likewise, don’t try to change the way you express your love for him. For today, understand and accept and consider gratitude for the love your partner is trying to show you. You can read the list above and quickly identify which language your spouse is using. Don’t require him to learn a whole new language to say “I love you.”
Depending upon where you are in your relationship, the first and most precious step may be simply to recognize that your partner is expressing love in the language he/she speaks. Can you see it, feel it, or hear it? Just knowing that it is there is a small and calming step toward mutual respect and recognition of effort. You and your partner may not speak the same language today, but can you recognize that you are both saying “I love you?” It is not too late. Look and listen.