…contempt.”
Think of contempt as any statement to or gesture toward your partner that comes from a superior place–think of sarcasm, hostile humor, name-calling, and insults; eye-rolling, sneering, or lip curling. The most dangerous aspect of contempt in a relationship is that it signals disgust and lack of respect.
Can you return from this space once you’re in it? Try this and you’ll have your own answer: when you feel contempt toward your partner, think of something worthwhile about them (you don’t have to actively feel grateful yet—just let a thought come forth, an objective fact about your spouse’s character or habits), e.g., “He is never home” could couple with “He is a hard worker;” “She never makes time for just the two of us” could couple with “She takes care of those kids no matter what;” “He puts everyone ahead of his family” could couple with “He helps his friends in need;” “She is always nagging me about my weight” could couple with “She sets an example of healthy eating.”
Note that you need not stifle the negative thought—but also look at the value of your partner’s characteristic from another perspective. What may at this moment encourage your disdain could well be something of value in your family down the road.
John Gottman’s research in marriages is remarkable in the length of time he and his research team followed couples. Their research points to four key markers of a relationship in trouble. He calls them ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ although I encourage you to see them as gifts—if you are able to recognize that you are experiencing one of these, congratulations, you have the chance to change it and the course of your relationship.
Remember, a critical first step is to recognize these markers in yourself—the antidote for each is immediately productive and reinforces itself. All four are listed below, as well as the antidote for each:
All four are listed below, as well as the antidote for each:
Criticism: Complain without blame
Defensiveness: Take responsibility
Contempt: Build culture of appreciation
Stonewalling: Do physiological self-soothing